You really should grieve...

It takes bravery to face grief, but I promise you deserve the good that can come from processing it.

CWs: Discussion of grief and compassion fatigue. Content includes death, violence, gun violence, domestic violence, domestic abuse, death of a parent, and a brief mention of the D*pp v. H**rd trial and the Uv*lde shooting.

[Image description: A screenshot of a tweet by Rimu Bhooi on May 25, 2022. The tweet says, ‘grieve! however you can! you have to let yourself grieve… this is my biggest lesson. i sobbed into my stuffed animals this morning. there is so much going on all the time, all of it hurts. it is traumatic to bear witness to death. whatever brings up that pain, let the tears flow.’

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this rant, but we’ll see.

I’ve started writing because I cried my heart out this morning seeing the news… 21 kids and rising. Parents have had to provide DNA samples because their babies’ bodies were destroyed and couldn't be ID-ed. Teachers flung themselves in the shooter’s path to protect their students.

In the hours after tragic and avoidable violence takes place, there is a cycle I’ve come to expect.

This sums it up.

[Image description: A screenshot of a tweet by @b0mbchell_ that says ‘Enough’ and includes a photo of a hand-drawn diagram in black text on a white background. The diagram is circular and points from one phrase to the next. At the top, it says ‘Mass Shooting’ which leads to ‘Media Extravagance’, then to ‘Social Media Gun Debates’ then to ‘No One Actually does Anything’ then to ‘Back to “Normal”’ which leads back to Mass Shooting.’]

It’s definitely depressing.

There’s been a lot going on and as I said in my tweet, it all adds up.

I’ve refused to add to the never-ending discourse of the Depp v. Heard defamation trial, which, by the way, has been going on for longer than any death penalty trial in Virginia state. Yet, I still see the trial despite pressing ‘not interested’ on all unsolicited commentary, media articles, discourse, and TikTok videos.

[Image description; Screenshot from my Instagram @rimu.bhooi story. It says ‘29 April 4.29 pm’ at the top in white text. The central part is in white text with a black outline on an olive green background. It says, ‘Heyo! Bit of a boundary. I’d love that if you have never experienced family violence (intimate partner, domestic, child neglect etc.) that you do not randomly put me on the spot about discourse on this topic. As a victim-survivor of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse by people who were supposed to be my stand-in parents, I’d really appreciate some understanding. If you are a victim-survivor obvs if you want to have chats, hmu but please identify yourself as such and know that I may not respond. I do not have capacity to explain why I may or may not want to have lengthy conversations about the current violent situation entertaining the masses. Ta xx.’

It’s frustrating beyond measure that I had to do this in the first place, but it does good to have put public and personal boundaries in place. I’m proud of myself.

The shit part is I can’t do this every time. The good part is the normalisation of taking breaks from this overwhelming stream of death and despair.

[Image description: A collage of screenshots of posts by @laylafsaad, @realdepressionproject, and@thecharliefun. There are two rows of three posts and are meant to be read from left to right. The first graphic is by the charlie fund titled 'growing around grief’ at the top in black text on a green background. It includes nine squares. The first square says ‘grief doesn’t get smaller over time’ in white text on a black background. The other squares incorporate a graphic of a black circle on a cream background with increasing amounts of bright coloured circles around it. The final square says ‘but slowly life grows around it' in white text on a black background. The second graphic is also by the charlie fund, titled ‘when you feel off’ and ‘check-in with yourself’ in black text on a cream background. The third graphic is by real depression project that says ‘compassion fatigue: from absorbing others emotions (or even what you hear on the news) and experiencing sensory overload’ in light blue and white text on a dark blue background. The bottom row is graphics from a post by laylafsaad in black text on cream backgrounds that say ‘reminders for when the world is full of grief…’ and ‘remind yourself that being exposed to numerous forms of violent trauma is not normal. please do not become desensitised’ and ‘remind yourself that anger and rage is a valid emotional response to trauma & injustice.’

These posts do a lot of heavy lifting, even though I felt myself rolling my eyes at the seventh and eighth reposts. The reposting of them time and time again can become repetitive but don’t get me wrong, despite my mild superiority complex over performative activism, I sincerely appreciate these posts.

They serve as a reminder that people acknowledge this newfound access to immediate news, especially devastating news, as unsustainable.

People get emotionally burnt out. It’s natural, and I’m sure you’ve experienced it just as I have.

[Image description: Screenshot of a tweet by @maxgotjokes. The tweet includes ‘you know the vibes’ and an image of a badly drawn meme. In this meme, a person stands in a doorway and asks another person who is crying, lying on the floor with stuff strewn around them, ‘are u ok? The crying person responds, ‘no there are at least five national events that break my heart every week and it’s only getting worse’]

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I didn’t expect this rant to turn into a commentary on the state of affairs, and I’m sure you get the point by now.

I want to talk about grief more than anything else right now, which takes me back to my tweets. I found myself sitting in shock after doomscrolling for a few minutes. I just stared at nothing in particular, and I felt numb. There is no reasoning for this violence. It is based on fear and hate.

The numbness was unexpected because I cry reasonably regularly. My loved ones know that practically anything emotion invoking can makes these eye bags well up and spill. So when I feel like I have a good cry hidden away in me, I watch shows that I know will make me sob. The relief afterwards is so welcome.

Since the pandemic began, this relief has been few and far between.

The tears don’t come as quickly as they once did, and I’ve found that I explode with sadness instead. Sometimes it takes something tiny like seeing my stuffed toy (Bunny) after the shock of the Uvalde shooting. The thought of all the stuffed toys that would never be snuggled again broke me.

It all came rushing up. All the things I had internalised, pushed deep down purely because the quantity of horrendous shit was overwhelming, swirled up to the surface.

I took my own advice and let it come. Up and out.

However you grieve, in whatever shape or form, do it, as long as it doesn’t hurt you or someone else. I cannot overstate the importance of it.

I lost my mama when I was 12. These past few years, my grief has felt like something I carry with me every moment of every day. It feels too vast to dive into on a regular basis. So I have a routine/tradition/ritual. On her birthdays and the anniversary of her death, I set aside the entire day. I do whatever I want. I cry for as long or as little as I want. I set those 24 hours aside twice a year to face that grief with as much bravery as I can muster.

My mother and I the year I was born. [Image description: A middle-aged woman holds a young baby on 02/10/2000. The woman smiles into the distance and wears an orange blouse, silver bangles, a flower behind her ear and sunglasses on her head. The baby has its hand up to its mouth and wears a yellow dress and a bangle. They are standing in the gravelly courtyard with small bushes, a brick fence, and trees behind them.]

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Don’t get me wrong, when I feel grief bubble up on a random moment on a random Saturday, I sit with it. I might cry. I might look up photos from when I was a kid and my mother was here. I might laugh from the joy it brings me to recite a story from that time.

Everyone grieves differently, and we should; we are all different. If you take away one thing from this rant, I want you to come up with your own grieving process.

You can do it, I promise. Facing grief takes bravery, I know.

But you deserve the good that comes from feeling your feelings, empathising with others and seeing the strength in each other.

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Look into the darkness and despair that exists and search for people waving flashlights and calling your name.

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Be brave, look to other people, and cry if you need to because fuck knows this world can be ruthless but don’t let it convince you that it isn’t core filled with beauty and love.

Take care and be gentle to yourself xx